Apparently I have a knack for choosing narcissistic self involved, energy stealing friends. You know, the ones who are “there for you” and in your life, REALLY only when they need to talk with you about what happened to them, or if they need some advice on important things that happens in their life, or if they need some support or to complain about something, or just needs to borrow something or for you to make them feel good about themselves.
And then, what the fuck happens when you need some support? Well, then they don’t answer the phone, they are busy, or you have to fight through their stories to be heard. And it makes you feel small and insignificant, like your life is not as important.
Something like this:
“Maybe I’m super needy, full of problems? Maybe what I conceive as problems are in fact insignificant and does not acquire attention?”
Well any friendship that makes you feel like that needs a good reconsidering, because I know for a fact that everybody needs someone sometimes. It is healthy to share your vulnerabilities. And it is OK to stumble. As long as you are not a chronic complainer using your friends as the recipient for every little bad thing. It is OK “to vent” as is so very well explained in this wonderful blogpost by Shola: http://thepositivitysolution.com/stop-complaining/.
So I will let those people go from their place as my friends and make room for new ones.
I believe that my newfound wisdom; the importance of openness, is true, and I am not a person that enjoys competing for attention – first of all it is not real and committed attention, second it is exhausting.
How to do it?
Just stop giving them your attention and your time.
I really feel better now. This is what venting is all about!
So to be fair, my life is not as sad as I wrote it to be. You gotta make some exaggerations to make it interesting!
I have heard that I am both a judgment-day prophet and a dramatic. None of this is true.
But when it comes to my life right now it is like this:
I’ve got enough money to get by, I can’t exactly go shopping every day but this is all a great lesson I tell myself.
I’ve got helpful people around me.
I actually did choose to be without a job. Kind of.
And every relationship needs work to stay alive long-term.
But these are all stories for another time. Lets get on with how I ended up in this strange place of aimlessness that I am in at the moment.
So we have established that my life isn’t that bad at all, it is a work in progress. I have spent about three years running away from how it used to be. Now it is time to figure out how I want it to be. Well the correct way of saying it is, I have spent three years getting rid of the crap, while piecing together tiny clues of what used to be my interests. Now I have finally reached the moment where I am ready to start bringing back what I used to love about my life.
I now know some of these past loves, because as a side effect of removing all the crap, little pieces of wondrous memories from my life came sneaking back. It’s quite canny actually. I remember warm and fuzzy childhood memories that have been lost for over a decade.
I believe my first real clue for going in the direction I’m heading was one summer morning four or five years ago. I was with my man. It was uneventful. We probably just had breakfast, the weather was okay, not nice, not bad, and on the kitchen counter was a water jug. It had a yellow lemony pattern on it, I kept staring at it, and I remember this strong sense of wellness, health, warmth and most of all home. I felt safe. It was hopeful and familiar, nothing around me mattered or interrupted, I just was. For a few minutes, or maybe only seconds, I was there. I was fully present and it was utter joy! Utter contentment! No pressure. No needs. No wants. It was perfect. Without much around me at that time that felt remotely good or right, this feeling snuck in and stayed put in my heart, and I have been chasing it ever since. Every now and then, I do catch it, at the most random times, more and more often by every little scratch I make fade.
If you look away from the brief moment we both stubbornly continued our old ways, this little realization made me stick with my man. Because this morning we were doing absolutely nothing, and normally I hated mornings and daylight. They brought about harsh realities that I didn’t want to face. But what happened this day came as a sign, somehow he was part of the solution. My hope attached to him. This tiny flicker of light, wonderful amazing hope gave me strength. Strength to really start cleaning up my life. Strength to face the realities of what I was doing to myself. Strength to clean up my destructive behavior. My annihilating thinking pattern, and to face my fear of emotions and vulnerabilities.
So I started changing and chopping my life into pieces. First slowly without knowing what would happen or where I would end up. Then, because I had got a few glimpses of something good, I found myself completely unable to keep going, it all just stopped working properly. My body, my mind, and my life. It shut down, and I just quit my someday to be perfect life, and left it like that. I left my college, my career goals, and my beliefs.
I took with me my fears, my emotional baggage, my battered body and my tiny firefly hopes, and went home to my mom.
And then I slept.
I had no idea what I was getting into. Had I been able to continue moving, it would have been easier to just stay. But that is probably why life is this way. Sometimes you are forced to change it. Because really, in the long-term you need this change to survive. It is also the thing that will bring you real, true utter joy, reasons to live and true, deep heart-wrenching feelings. And that’s what makes life worth living, feelings from the full specter, from every aspect of life. Because happiness is only one small part of the picture, we wouldn’t even know it without having felt the whole rainbow of shades.
So after sleeping for a long time, I starting work, on myself, my issues and my life. But I didn’t really know how, so I took small steps, and some things worked, and some didn’t. And most were definantly in the direction of all the weirdness I so desperately had tried to avoid. Because If you are in limbo, anything, even small things that seem insignificant and are weird, but draws your attention and makes your heart sing a tiny bit is worth following. And if you follow it and honor it, you might end up with a new obsession, a passion that creates this indifference to other peoples opinion. They might mock you or hurt you, and probably wont believe in you or your dreams, but you are by then unable to let the dreams go, so you continue.
I kept sleeping a lot, and I kept trying, and I kept having breakdowns. This continued until I felt completely broken. So much that I had to do the only thing that was left, ask for help. And I did.
Oh my how much I would have given to just jump straight to that part. But I think it needed to be a process, because change takes time. Growth takes time. And strengthening what is broken, and finally building it back together takes time. This is what I am doing now. So I started writing this all down, To create an overview of the good, the bad and the ugly. To learn, reflect and most of all to continue growing and healing. So stay tuned for some honest dissecting and analysis. For the full show of my weirdness and what makes me awesome. Of course there will also be some saucy details of my life. Because now its all getting out there.
And just so we are clear, I do not intend to become a writer at all! I really just have this need to write this all down. Because THIS is Therapy!
I am a 28 year old woman, living the life I never dreamed of. I am broke, have no job and I am worried that my relationship is dwindling. It all seems pretty bleak. So I have decided to change it. Which is actually why I got in this mess in the first place.
You see, about three years ago I thought I was on my way to success. I was studying to become an Architect. A decision made on the basis of:
It looks really good on paper.
Who wouldn’t think it was cool to introduce themselves as “An Architect”?
It demands respect, right then and there. (If it was something I needed it was respect! Not that I wasn’t respected. All the people around me thought I was a hardworking, soft spoken and a fairly likable girl I’m sure. Not the life of the party, but the one you could always tell your troubles too, and I would do my best to guide them with some well-meaning advice.) But back to the subject, I wanted to be an architect because it demands respect. I could be a cool business woman, wearing my sexy suit, and I would be better than everyone I knew! Of course this need for respect and being better than others issue is rooted in a severe lack of self esteem and poor self image, an issue I will dissect in another story.
And at last but least: It was the only sensible way to make a living while being creative and artistic. Reasoning: because only weirdos and crazy people try to make it as an artist, and practically none of them makes it and ends up living mediocre pathetic lives having to teach bratty art students just to make the ends meet.
I for sure was not going to end up with a mediocre and pathetic life, so I charted out my course and didn’t stop to think about this decision, or the fact that I went from raging party girl, slutty needy girl, desperate for attention over-achieving student, to suicidal painfully lonely girl with personality issues up to here →(see very professional illustration)
That is until I met this guy, and he was under the impression that you should do things in life that makes you happy. Strange right? How can someone pretend things are that easy? That you just choose things that bring happiness? Without considering all the facts of life? Everything that can go wrong, and all the risks you will have to take and eventually the fact that people might(will) judge you and talk behind your back! And this will finally and with no doubt end with you becoming a total weirdo. The scariest thing in the world!
So of course I totally wrote this thing off. And continued with my journey towards a perfect (read miserable) life because you know, when you finally get there, you will be really, REALLY happy.
TO BE CONTINUED…… Because, you know, I am unemployed so I can’t stay up all night writing a blog…